Andrea Miller and the Hungry-India-Poor-India-Sexy-India
No, I’m not getting my langot in a twist. Just mildly amused. Let me explain.
Behold, the cerebrations of Andrea Miller, another “hungry-India-poor-India” doyen. At least her predecessors like Danny Boyle stayed true to the traditions of that myopic vision and restricted themselves to fecal matter hanging off street urchins. Miller on the other hand, seems determined to prove them all wrong. Indians are sexy, she says. Wikipedia says so, she says. Do Bhangra, she says.
Anyway, read her article first.
What’s your first response?
Mine was this.
I wanted to generally snark to get it out of my system and Twitter seemed the wrong place to do it. My followers are already getting impatient with the daily stream of nonsense and even though I’d be criticizing an awful article, two wrongs don’t make a right. So I’ll just paste the choicest strings and add my translations or vishesh tippnis.
<I lived in India for about three years and my husband [ed] is from New Delhi, which, in addition to providing me with lots of Indian friends and in-laws, have given me a pretty good perspective on the desirability of the people from the world’s largest democracy — and how to woo them.>
Sound the bullshit gong, somebody. DHWISSSSSSH! You are happy about your in-laws? Masochism alert. New Delhi’s given you a perspective on desirability? In Delhi they compliment your desirability by groping what ya mamma gave ya. If you’ve tried it too, I bow to you madam.
<There are obvious reasons one would want to date an Indian, such as how successful and professionally desirable they are. Indians dominate as engineers, doctors, lawyers, venture capitalists and entrepreneurs.>
Standard gold-digger fare. That’s OK, even Indians agree. Whisper softly when using terms like “Professionally desirable” because Phaneesh Murthy has been known to reciprocate.
<just walk around the campuses of Harvard, Columbia or Stanford or and you will see these incredibly attractive brown people all over the place. Which leads to point number two. Indian people tend to be really good looking.>
With reference to previous quote, please use “incredibly professionally attractive” because otherwise you’re smoking weed. Also, how does point number two “follow” from anything? YOU said you find attractive brown people, not Wikipedia.
<According to Wikipedia*, “India holds the highest number of Miss World winners, only to be tied with Venezuela.” (*That feels a little like citing The National Enquirer but I am going to go with it.) >
Further breaks in logic. Highest number of Miss World winners != attra….oh fuck it. Why am I explaining? On dissing Wikipedia by comparing it to The National Enquirer I’d like to remind you that you wrote this article in the Wall Str….no….THE HUFFINGTON POST!
<Indian men love to dance. If for no other reason other than you want someone to dance with you (or without you for that matter), date an Indian.>
I humbly invite you to a Pune raanti rendition of Dhagala Lagli Kala. Yes, Indian men LURVE to dance.
Miller further entangles herself beyond recovery by expounding on ways to bag an Indian. (Some Indians in the US work at grocery stores and THEY’RE the ones who do the bagging, but this is no time for semantics)
<SRK. Two things you need to know about these initials. One, SRK is short hand for Shahrukh Khan, one of India’s premiere Bollywood celebrities. Two, you must have an opinion about him. He is a polarizing figure. Indians either love him or hate him.>
So what are you suggesting? You should test the waters by going up to an Indian and yelling “Sahrookhan sucks donkey!” and wait to see the response? Anyway SRK is, in fact, a citizen of New York as any Karan Johar fan will tell you.
<It should be obvious by now that you need to have a favorite Hindi movie. If you bust out something like, “Yea, I loved Kuch Kuch Hota Hai,” you are very likely to get a second date. If not something straight out of the Kama Sutra.>
Your hubby gave you something out of the Kamasutra for mentioning KKHH? That movie involves Karan Johar and SRK together. If I were you, I’d keep a track of the direction he’s swinging in.
<Finding a place that plays Bhangra music and going there together is sure to get you something straight from the Kama Sutra, especially if you exhibit the right dance moves, i.e. patting an imaginary dog while screwing in an imaginary light bulb.>
Superb research. As a matter of fact Vatsyayana had included “patting an imaginary dog while screwing in an imaginary light bulb” as a key technique in the KamaSutra’s corollary edition but regrettably kept all these choice tidbits to himself. Thanks for unearthing!
Please let us know if the variation “patting an imaginary lightbulb while screwing an imaginary dog” is equally effective.
PS – Just checking to make sure you didn’t mean this
<Food. Indians love their food. Probably more than they love dancing.>
Ah yes, unlike many cultures where dance is more important than food? We aren’t normal. That’s what makes us attractive.
<Many Indians would agree that it is often tough to find a good Indian restaurant, even in major cities. If you want to be adventurous and score some points, I suggest you try cooking him/her a few Indian dishes.>
Umm no thanks. Stick to the restaurants please. The food there is made by attractive brown people.
<Language. Indians love when you speak their language.>
No we don’t. “Douchebag” is the first thought that crosses our mind followed by weak laughter. Just because we stole all your jobs by speaking your language doesn’t mean you reciprocate.
<Before we got together, Sanjay was greatly amused by my reciting various things in Hindi to him.>
Make no mistake. “Douchebag” is what he was thinking. Lady, if you want continued conjugalbandi, just SHUT UP.
<I hope Laxmi, Goddess of Prosperity, smiles on you as you endeavor to date one of her people.>
It is very sad that in a pantheon of thirty million Gods, we don’t have one exclusively for dating. Who’s in charge of HR here?
<one more big bonus when it comes to dating an Indian: communication with cabbies. Think I’m kidding? New Yorkers: Just imagine if you could stop a taxi during the 4pm transition time and your date could say, in Hindi, “Hey brother, will you please take us to Spring and 6th?” You’d find Laxmi did indeed smile upon you.>
A few facts, lady. Laxmi bestows you with wealth. When you complete a cab-ride, you LOSE money by paying the cab-driver. If the opposite seems to be happening in your case, it’s a cause for worry.
Just FYI – I’m an Indian, and although off-the-market, none of this would’ve worked. Please read Deepak Chopra instead.