Why’s it called the “News”?

Last night I was catching up on my Google Reader backlog and started with feeds from news providers. As I scanned each headline only one thought kept crossing my mind – “No shit, Sherlock”.

So I decided to write a short song which captures the bleeding obvious headlines of today, sung to the tune of Billy Joel’s iconic “We Didn’t Start The Fire”.

Shit doesn’t just happen. It keeps happening.

(Guidelines for enjoyment

– Each section has three paragraphs, the last one is sung more stridently before culminating in a blood vessel-popping yell, which is why the last verse is in CAPS

– The chorus is sung to the tune of “We didn’t start the fire/ It was always burning/ etc etc

– OK enough, here’s the original

Now. SING.)

WHY’S IT CALLED THE “NEWS”?

Obomo did something wrong
Fox News, play along
Congressman tweeted his dong
Baier, Coulter’s nuts

Republicans are kinda dumb
Can’t remember rules of thumb
Have affairs, pro guns
When in doubt, Ronald Reagan

He starts a war, I clean the mess
I promised more but gave them less
These partisans, they give me stress
JUST GET ME RE-ELECTED!

<Why’s it called the “news”?
It’s the same old hurling
As the bowels keep churning>
<Why’s it called the “news”?
It’s the same old hurling
As the bowels keep churning>

Europe’s spent all its cash
Hunting for a whole new stash
Everyday, a new nation
Fucked beyond belief

DSK, molested maids,
Silvio’s, crass tirades
Resignations, Remonstrations
Markets in turmoil

Germany, hear us whine
We’ll forget, ’39
Please give us more moolah
OR WE’LL BURN IN A CHOOLAH!


<Why’s it called the “news”?
It’s the same old hurling
As the bowels keep churning>
<Why’s it called the “news”?
It’s the same old hurling
As the bowels keep churning>

Fodder, Adarsh, 2G
Cash for Votes, CWG
Packed off to Tihar jail
Parliament grants them bail

Maunmohan don’t say a thing
UPA, Ka-ching
Sonia pulls the puppet strings
But BJP’s worse

Spent too much buying up new planes
Airline’s up shit creek again
baj gayi band, hat in hand
TAXPAYERS WILL BEAR THE PAIN!


<Why’s it called the “news”?
It’s the same old hurling
As the bowels keep churning>
<Why’s it called the “news”?
It’s the same old hurling
As the bowels keep churning>

Kashmir, disputed land
Sees more shit with every hand
POK, LOC
Borders are porous

Terrorists attack again
Kill civilians, hijack planes
A thousand mothers lose their kids
Trotting out the tropes

“Deplorable”, “condemn”
New dossier, sent to them
Added stages, stoked rages
KASAB’S IN OUR CENSUS PAGES!


<Why’s it called the “news”?
It’s the same old hurling
As the bowels keep churning>
<Why’s it called the “news”?
It’s the same old hurling
As the bowels keep churning>

Chetan Bhagat, Arindam
Mediocre, makes us numb
Arnab on the telly
Ruining someone’s night

Sachin didn’t get his ton
Dravid did, but let’s move on
INDIA WON, and lost the next
I hate them, I love them.

Today a woman had no rights
Today a woman lost her fight
Voices with sense rose in vain
TASLIMA TWEETS SHIT AGAIN!


<Why’s it called the “news”?
It’s the same old hurling
As the bowels keep churning>
<Why’s it called the “news”?
It’s the same old hurling
As the bowels keep churning>

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14 responses to “Why’s it called the “News”?”

  1. Anirban says :

    Truly epic. I can’t believe I missed this when you wrote it.

  2. Mac'ist (@WritingTom) says :

    Covered all kinda shit news. Very well done, mate!

  3. Giribala says :

    Wonderful!! Giving competition to JibJab!!

  4. 3deviyaan says :

    ha ha ha :) i actually ‘sang along’ (ofcourse in my head :p )

  5. Sam says :

    This is terrific stuff! Couldn’t stop laughing!

  6. Alfred Prufrock says :

    We are not worthy!

    J.A.P.

  7. trupz says :

    super super super super ……..

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