The Alternate Budget 2012
Since the PAID MEDIA refuses to investigate where all our taxpayer money goes despite us sending them hundreds of harsh tweets, we decided to channel great ‘citizen journalists’ like the people who leaked the Radia tapes and conducted our own investigation. However, they rejected our RTI application because some idiot thought it would be funny to file the application under the name ‘Seymour Butz.’
So we thought we’d take the easy way out by following the greatest intellectual in this country and just make stuff up.
Therefore, ladies and gentleman, the following is how your hard earned tax-rupees are spent:
|78,000 crores||Foreign Jaunt Budget for “fact-finding” missions to exotic foreign locales. A further Rs 20,000 crores to be set aside as a contingency shopping fund for relatives.|
|15,000 crores||All Roads Lead to Rome Fund to reimburse Congress party functionaries for their daily morning pilgrimage to 10 Janpath. This budget will cover fuel, garlands, coconuts, and groveling mats .|
|45,000 crores||Celebration Riot Fund to allow newly elected representatives to break chairs, tables, light fixtures, sofas and cupboards during the first 15 days of being elected. A further 15,000 crores will be set aside to cover the burning of public transportation for exceptionally exuberant celebrations. Uttar Pradesh, Haryana and Bihar will collectively be eligible to receive 80% of this budget.|
|5,000 crores||Kapil Sibal Bleep Budget to enable effective internet and media censorship of content offensive to the ruling political party.|
|2,000 crores||Life Processes Fund for free HD-quality porn downloads inside government offices.|
|5,600 crores||Good Times Budget to fund Vijay Mallya’s next mismanaged and doomed non-alcoholic enterprise. This budget will be disbursed exclusively through handpicked incompetent decision-makers at State Bank of India.|
|14,300 crores||Chariots of Fire Budget for BJP, RSS or other extreme right-wing organizations with potential prime ministerial candidates to atone for past sins through Sadbhavana Yatras or Rath Yatras.|
|Rs. 5,865 crores||Condemnation Fund to cover press conferences called by the Home Minister immediately following a terrorist attack. A further 1,000 crores to be set aside as contingency for a particularly exciting year.|
|20,000 crores||SycoFund for the installation of garish, building sized hoardings and statues extolling virtues of party functionaries|
|300 crores||Gaman Ki Asha Budget to cover Ajmal Kasab’s luxurious stay until his death from natural causes or execution, whichever comes first.|
|98,000 crores||Shri Suresh Kalmadi Miscellaneous Expenses Fund|
|5 Lakhs||Maintenance of the Morse code machine used by the Prime Minister to communicate with government officials|
|8,416 crores||Crocodile Dundee Fund for maintenance of all crocodile farms in Uttar Pradesh|
|94,9886 crores||Contingency Coalition Fund in case one of the larger government allies withdraw support and the government has to ‘seek’ support from other ‘interested’ parties|
|5,999 crores||Curb Your Enthusiasm Fund to silence pesky analysts who think that the Indian economy can grow at a better pace than it actually is|
|7,546 crores||Foreign Hand Investigative Fund to be able to smear any dissent as being influenced by foreign entities|
|25,000 crores||Rollback Fund to make it easier to rollback policy decisions-which might benefit a large swathe of the population-due to the dreaded ‘coalition pressures’|
Professor DaddySan has five different MBA degrees from various partner institutions. He also once attended the first half of a ‘Rich Dad, Poor Dad’ seminar so don’t tell him how the book ends! He is considered to be the leading budgetary expert among all the people in his family born in the same month as him. In fact, two of his cousins don’t take any decision without ISD-ing him first.
OverRated is the leading financial analyst on his own personal blog, a distinguished aluminum of the Oculus Insitute and recipient of its prestigious Macroeconomic Gold Medal. He has been managing his own finances for the past ten years. Except for the two bankruptcies, he’s done pretty well for himself. He has made many appearances on ‘The Dr Dang Show,’ Kanpur’s #4 internet radio program. He also watches a lot of Suze Orman, girlfriend.