How and Why Not To Rape

I think we menfolk really need to get back to basics and understand our roles and responsibilities in life. As an exasperated teacher told me for the umpteenth time, “it’s not what you can do, it’s about what you SHOULDN’T do”. He was referring to the questions in the Common Aptitude Test but I think the statement applies to most things men think they have a right to do.

I’d cut short the rest of the post and ask you to read this by @localteaparty but this, this and this indicate that it would be like asking a toddler to understand the Principia Mathematica.

So, back to basics.

OOOG! URRG!

HELLO HAIRY, DEEP-VOICED HOMOSAPIENS!

I’ll cut to the chase because I see many of you are playing with it, fondling it, scratching it or in general stages of platonic contact with it.

Yes! That is a penis! Not pen-is as in “pen-is mightier than the sword” but peen-is.

It is useless.

For starters, it’s ugly, impractical to lug around, needs proper support and reinforcements, a kick in its immediate environment completely immobilizes its owner and converts him into a blithering retard who sees endless stars.

“But…but…IT HELPS US THINK!”

Yes, exactly. That is the biggest problem.

Penile thought has only two possible states –

1. I don’t give a fuck
2. I’d like to fuck

The second state is prevalent 99.4% of the times when you are in the proximity of a woman (the remaining 0.6% covers mothers and sisters. Inapplicable in Alabama). See, there’s nothing wrong with that, because we were built that way. But the trick isn’t in knowing when to fuck, but when NOT to fuck. I mean, we OWE it to our pre-eminent position in the animal kingdom. I was watching a National Geographic documentary yesterday about Cheetahs (they run very fast, yes, but let me finish. stop interrupting) and they went on and on about when the female is in heat. Now the average human male will expect the female to be mauled by heat-seeking male cheetah missiles but that didn’t happen. They did come over, rather cautiously, and prodded and poked the ground near the female who was emitting nervous shrieks. The most wondrous thing was – THE MALE CHEETAHS MOVED AWAY TO GIVE THE FEMALE SOME SPACE. WHOA!

Sexytime eventually happened but the point is, EVEN ANIMALS RESPECT BOUNDARIES!

(WHOA!)

So, in the spirit of regaining our reputation within the animal kingdom, here’s a simple, easy to understand flowchart regarding our perennial urge to fuck.

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15 responses to “How and Why Not To Rape”

  1. rohan says :

    and you are another one of those who think rape and sex can be used interchangeably …. what the hell … do women not fuck … do women not have sex …. i guess not eh ?! we fuck and they can only get fucked !

  2. susannemoore says :

    Fantastic! The only thing that I disagree with is that a penis is “ugly”. Generally I don’t think that women find penis’ ugly, of course some are better looking than others, but it is mostly men that have this idea that there is something wrong with the way this part of them looks and that a women’s vagina is a far better looking piece of equipment.

    Well done, this should be taught in school, using your flow chart!

  3. susannemoore says :

    Reblogged this on Changing Women and commented:
    Fantastic!

  4. Rajnish says :

    Thats one heck of a nice article i have read… specially the flowchart.. loved it… useful for those retards and dickheads who actually think to grab the boobs after they see a girl…
    Thanks!!

  5. stavin says :

    nicely written.

  6. Vjsub says :

    Absolutely Brilliant! Penile thought process was a slam dunk! I’m going to use that illustration from now on. Very well written, as always.

  7. darius pok says :

    a lot of people who subscribe to the “but no means yes, right?” ideology follow your blog, do they?

  8. Preeti Chary says :

    awesome!!! hilarious …totally loved it.. esp “but no means a yes” part.. gud job :)

  9. Mayank says :

    lol!! Hilarious flowchart!! There could easily be couple more loops between the home run and grab the boobs :P

    • daddysan says :

      Hahaha thanks Mayank! There’s more I wanted to put in there but time and Powerpoint limitations prevailed.

      • Mayank says :

        and one important review comment – Kindly add a box for “She has a headache – this is a temporary setback, keep trying tiger!” ;)

  10. Manish says :

    That’s one crazy Flowchat I’d never forget. Thanks for the laughs.

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