It’s hard to keep up with the Joneses when they’re levitating

Nathaniel Jones had everything life could offer – a great job at a marketing firm, three wonderful kids and a beautiful wife. When they moved from Indiana to a comfortable suburb outside Atlanta, they wanted a house that could add to their picture of bliss. And their realtor Diana Hogan had found just the thing. A palatial six bedroom house with a pool, open kitchen, french windows and gorgeous furnishings.

Diana moved around the house, leading an enthusiastic entourage of oohing and aahing Joneses. They seemed to be in love with the place.

“Is that the pool there? It’s so BIG!” chirped Elizabeth, the eldest.

“Yes, that’s the pool. It’s heated too! You’ll love it.”

“Oh dad can we please please please get it?!”

“Yes yes yes please please please please” piped in Willow, the younger of his two daughters.

“Oog” intoned Ezekiel, his year-old son.

“Well, it looks like a sealed deal!” said Nathaniel

Diana hesitated. She seemed to be wrestling with something in her mind. Finally she broke her silence.

“There are…..some things you should know….”

The Joneses stared at her.

“Neighbours have reported strange electrical disturbances at night and myterious dark figures have been seen emanating from the pool. The previous tenants died a gruesome death on the premises. The mother had her head twisted completely around and her eyes pecked out by ravens. The father seemed to have been launched into the wall and was skewered by a levitating candlestick. One of the daughters was ritually disembowelled and strung upside down in the patio in an apparent satanic tribute. The other daughter was found hung from the ceiling in the living room……oh by the way, is your boy the first male child in your family?”

Nathaniel nodded weakly.

“Well, yes that’s a bit of a bother then. There’s a coven of witches nearby who will probably kidnap him for satanic rituals”

There were three whole minutes of awkward silence.

“I just wanted to let you know because every family seems to be really surprised when their cutlery starts levitating….”

More awkward silence.

“But the wooden flooring’s new….”


Four weeks later, Paramount Pictures released Paranormal Activity 56.


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