In the interests of full disclosure
Let me briefly explain why I’m writing this. For no apparent reason I remembered a conversation a few years ago with a cat lover who taunted me about my love of dogs. There have been tomes written about this epic battle, many Hollywood movies pitting these rivals against each other, and gajillion words from cat and dog lovers justifying their choice of pet.
What’s the harm in adding a few more drops to this churning ocean?
The prevalent opinion among these goddamned cat fanatics appears to be that dog lovers, like dogs, have sacrificed all self-respect in the pursuit of needy mutual validation. Scratch, hug, pant, baby-talk, more scratch, rub, rub, etc. This sequence of actions is acceptable to cat lovers (except the baby talk) if it is practiced with your human consort. But a DOG?! Dogs would sell their canine souls for an ear-rub or a few extra Kibbles N Bits in the bowl.
They also whine pathetically when slighted and destroy expensive shoes if ignored and left alone at home. Many lack the nobility expected of a mascot of the house. THEY ALSO HAVE TO BE TAKEN FOR WALKS WITH THE ADDED INDIGNITY OF CARRYING POOPER SCOOPERS TO CLEAN THEIR DOO-DOO!
Now CATS! Let’s talk CATS, they say. Cats are noble, mysterious creatures. They carry a pure mystical fire in their eyes. Those eyes are believed to be portals to nether worlds. Full of grace and poise, these creatures of the dark. Is it any wonder fashion uses the term “catwalk” to describe the sexy stalk of their supermodels on the runway?
Predators of stealth, they can move like lightning or softly tread like the wind playing with autumn leaves. Their motion inspires art, poetry, literature. They are the muses of queens. “QUEENS!”, they say.
Cats don’t have bodily processes, they have ethereal workings which are conducted discreetly inside neat little boxes full of sand.
And finally, the rather crude clincher. LOLCATS IS MORE POPULAR ON THE INTERNATES!
A dog lover will have one of two responses to these comments:
1. They wouldn’t have noticed because they’re too busy playing with their dogs
2. They’ll kneel on their hands and look up at you with hurt eyes, inquiring silently, “why do you hate us so?”
Thankfully, I don’t fall in either category. This is me, now hear me bark.
FUCK YOU, YOU DELUSIONAL MASOCHISTS! Yes, MASOCHISTS! You take great pride in the fact that your cats can’t be “told what to do” eh? You love the way they assert themselves and do whatever the fuck they want to? Would you like it if your friends did that to you? I don’t think so. Or maybe you will. After all you’re masochists. For all the talk about their grace and poetry, what is the value cats bring to your lives? I’m going out on a limb here when I say they probably remind their owners of the way they need to conduct themselves in life – with dignity, grace and poise. However, I think having to submit yourself to the whims and unsanitary vagaries of an ingrateful furball is a huge price to pay. A Shiv Khera book is cheaper and involves less indignity. Or maybe reading material about finding the diamond in you or counting unhatched chickens? (Yeah, I went there. What of it?)
We go through our lives trying to collect friends who will remain friends. Or in some cases go beyond. Loyalty. Dedication. (Wait, I’m not going all soft). DOGS JUST KNOW WHAT THAT IS ALL ABOUT! (As an aside, @over_rated told me on chat that the closest human equivalent of a dog were the politicians of the Indian National Congress. See? THAT loyal.). I won’t link any videos of heartbreaking doggy loyalty. Maybe there’s a link in the ads next to that lolcats picture you’ve been staring intently at with an expression on your face that says OHOWKYOOT!
Also, shove your notions of feline grace. When cats mate, they choose to do it in public like Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson, making horribly unsexy noises that put others off their amorous urges. Thankfully, they are unable to operate video cameras and the sordid details of their pre-coital overtures are unknown to us, unlike Pam and Tommy. There’s no point yelling “GET A ROOM!” They KNOW they could have the room if they wanted. They KNOW they could ask you to fuck off while they get it on. But no, they do it in public because they feel like it.
If you could count the number of times you stare with fascination at your cat in a day, wondering “I wonder what my cat is thinking!”, you’d probably be intelligent enough to count very high and thus, not make the mistake of owning a cat. Don’t worry I’ll tell you what they’re thinking and making you do.
You saw how pathetic Jerry Maguire looks? That’s you, my friend.
Sure, your cat is a dignified member of the house. Sure, it doesn’t sacrifice its self-respect by groveling for handouts. But can your cat engage you in an intellectually stimulating discussion about consumer frugality driven by the recession? Or, CAN IT TELL YOU IT DISAGREES WITH THIS BLOGPOST? Neither can a dog. But when it loves you back, you can save discussions of recession and inflammatory rants for another day.
Dogs and cats are both fur-dropping creatures who shit, piss and mess up the house. But I’ll gladly take the loving licks of a warm tongue to my face than kiss ass in the hope of a condescending, albeit fire-filled mystical glance anyday.
So there. Need a hug? FIND SOMEONE WHO OWNS A DOG!